I am not a nurse, but I have played one on TV. As a background artist, I have been cast and donned scrubs as a nurse for movies and TV roles several times. In real life, I am an attorney who’s also been a caregiver for my aging parents—having cared for my father through his lung cancer diagnosis until his passing and now tending to my 92-year-old mom who lives with me. Caregiving is a marathon of challenges. Being a fierce advocate for someone you love demands real strength, especially when faced with tough, inevitable decisions.
In my legal practice, I often hear from new potential clients eager to plan their estates and inquire about wills, health care proxy, living will and powers of attorney. Just as often, however, these same clients will then vanish and ghost me. Let’s be honest: no one enjoys thinking about their own mortality. Yet, avoiding these steps can lead to serious heartache for you and those you love most. While my focus here is on health advocacy, having key documents like a will, a trust if needed and power of attorney can spare your family enormous stress and expense.
As a caregiver, I have wanted to shout, “Help me, help you!” more times than I can count. My first piece of advice? Choose your health care proxy carefully. This person is quite literally tasked with speaking for you when you can’t. I learned firsthand while caring for my father how strong of an advocate I needed to be sure he received the care he deserved and the treatment that I knew he wanted. One night, a doctor cornered me in a hospital hallway, pushing for me to sign a DNR (do not resuscitate) order. I stood firm, knowing Dad wanted every measure taken to fight for his life. The doctor’s tone turned condescending: “Charlene, everyone says that.” I snapped back, “I’m an attorney. Plenty of people don’t say that. I have clients who are clear in their wishes for no respirators, no feeding tubes, and no extraordinary measures. My father was clear: he wanted to fight.” The doctor grew impatient and aggressively stated, “I think you’re just struggling to accept this.” I replied, “Quite frankly, I don’t care what you think. I’m not here for your approval or for you to like me and I am not signing that.” As an aside, nothing good ever follows when someone starts with ‘quite frankly.’ Choose a health care proxy who knows your wishes and has the backbone to defend them. When pain and discomfort take over, you’ll want someone who will mimic Shirley MacLane’s character in Terms of Endearment, relentlessly advocating for you!
I once named one of my sons as my health care proxy, but a candid conversation quickly had me amending that choice. While discussing a book from his college health ethics class—about a mother who had a child to provide bone marrow for her sick older child—he firmly disagreed with such extreme measures. I explained that, as a parent, I’d do anything to save him. Our talk veered into all kinds of scenarios and hypotheticals from stem cells to cloning, revealing that we didn’t align on extraordinary measures. I also realized he’s not confrontational, so putting him in that role would be unfair to him—and to me. Love alone isn’t enough; your proxy needs to respect and understand your values and fight for them.
Recently, I saw a clip from a medical drama and a character posed the question: “Do you want a warm and fuzzy doctor or a great one?” After my mom’s latest hospitalization, this hit home. Is it too much to ask for both? So often, the elderly spiral in the hospital with confusion and delirium. My father used to call me in the middle of the night convinced he was trapped in the basement. Mom, during her recent stay, kept thinking she was home and that the nurses were some sort of intruders and she called me at all hours frightened and asked where I was. These moments underscore the need for a strong advocate who can navigate the chaos and ensure compassionate, competent care.
Pretending to be a nurse on TV is one thing, but living the role of caregiver taught me that advocacy starts long before a hospital visit. When we’re young and healthy, it’s easy to be like my ghosting clients and avoid thoughts of aging and mortality. Taking small steps now is not only an act of self-love, but a gift to those you may need to rely on later. Start with honest conversations. Ask yourself: What does ‘quality of life’ mean to me? What level of care would I want if I couldn’t speak for myself? Share these answers with your loved ones. It’s not about morbidity; but rather clarity and connection.
Caregiving takes a toll—emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Juggling my own life with my parents’ care—doctor’s appointments, unexpected hospital stays, and the weight of decisions made on their behalf—is exhausting. During my dad’s stage 4 lung cancer battle, I told myself that my daily workouts were literally giving me the strength to get through this. Telling myself, “Not today,” helped me stay present and tackle what needed to be done. Knowing his wishes and that there were no unspoken words between us, brought comfort. I cherish the countless hours we spent playing backgammon, a lifelong ritual that kept us connected through his illness. With my mom, I help her down the stairs, settle her into her wheelchair, and take her for long walks. We talk, reminisce, and soak in the fresh air—moments that remind me how vital quality time is for her well-being and mine. As stressful as balancing it all can be, I hold onto these connections, knowing they won’t last forever.
My takeaway? Be an active participant in your own life and in your aging care. Choose someone to advocate for you that understands your values and who has the inner fortitude to stand up to a pushy doctor and an overburdened health care system. Consider documents like a health care proxy or living will—not as legal chores, but as tools to ensure your voice is heard. Build a strong support system now with friends, family, or community groups so you’re not facing things alone later. Prioritize your own wellness: eat healthy foods, stay active, practice mindfulness. These habits can help you be strong today and can prepare you to face aging with resilience.
Being a caregiver and a lawyer, I’ve learned that the steps we take today shape the quality of care we receive tomorrow. Be proactive and start with one conversation, one document, and one healthy choice. Your future self—and the loved ones who’ll care for you—will thank you.
Disclaimer: The content of this article is based on my personal experiences as a caregiver and attorney and is intended for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical or legal advice. Always consult with qualified healthcare providers or legal professionals for guidance specific to your situation. The author and fbjfit.com are not responsible for any actions taken based on this information.
